


The Contents of Attolia Irene's Comically Large Handbag

by mage-pie (looselipssinksubs), westwind



Category: The Queen's Thief - Megan Whalen Turner
Genre: Blogging, Fashion & Couture, Gen, Humor, Interviews, Journalism, Parody, concealed weapons, lifestyles of the rich and famous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 03:13:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20735306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/looselipssinksubs/pseuds/mage-pie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwind/pseuds/westwind
Summary: If you’re like us, you’ve probably wondered what famous people add to their carts. Not the JAR brooch and Louis XV chair, but the hand sanitizer and the electric toothbrush. And now that we’ve been somehow glued together with a weird alternate universe that looks like ancient Greece complete with interactive hands-on polytheism, we bet you want to know all the deets on the material culture of the Little Peninsula.For the inaugural post of this special-edition blog, we asked Queen Irene of Attolia about the jewelry and concealed knives she can’t live without.





	The Contents of Attolia Irene's Comically Large Handbag

**Author's Note:**

> Artwork, copyediting, title, and fiddly little formatting touch-ups by westwind  
Text, gratuitous cats, and resistance to copyediting by looselipssinksubs

**The Contents of Attolia Irene's Comically Large Handbag**  
_What We Can’t Live Without: The Little Peninsula Edition_

ATTOLIA IRENE

If you’re like us, you’ve probably wondered what famous people add to their carts. Not the JAR brooch and Louis XV chair, but the hand sanitizer and the electric toothbrush. And now that we’ve been somehow glued together with a weird alternate universe that looks like ancient Greece complete with interactive hands-on polytheism, we bet you want to know all the deets on the material culture of the Little Peninsula.

For the inaugural post of this special-edition blog, we asked Queen Irene of Attolia about the jewelry and concealed knives she can’t live without.

**THE EDDISIAN WOOLEN CLOAK**

This cloak is very light yet still warm enough for winter hunting trips, with a well-constructed hood that doesn’t fall down in the wind. It’s my favorite item of clothing apart from my formal gowns. It was a name-day gift from one of my sisters-in-law. 

_ Woolen cloak, Eddisian artisans, equivalent of $345 plus inter-universe taxes. Mail-order only, until the Weavers’ Guild of Eddis City gets its website set up. _

**THE RUBY EARRINGS**

These were a very strange courting gift from my husband. He thought it would be a good idea to sneak into my rooms and leave them on my bedside table, which I personally do not recommend to anyone hoping to get married. Nevertheless, I like them very much. They match my ruby headband perfectly.

_ Square-cut ruby stud earrings set in 20-carat gold, Eddisian artisans. Equivalent can be purchased on Normal Earth for anywhere from $150 for small lab-created rubies in 10-carat gold to upwards of $30,000 for the real thing. Stalker not usually included with purchase. _

**THE MATCHING SET OF CONCEALED KNIVES**

As you can see, these have been specially treated with a coating to decrease the metal’s shine, making them easier to hide. The handles are sturdy and well-balanced. I won’t say how many I have or where I carry them, but a matching set like this is an essential for any busy woman with an assassin problem. 

_ Concealed-carry knife set, Attolian artisans. Equivalent on Normal Earth can be purchased for about $200. Check your state and local laws first. _

**THE PERFUME **

My favorite perfume for daily wear is custom-blended for me by the palace’s master perfumers. It has a clean and cool scent, more refined and refreshing than most floral perfumes. The top notes are iris and orange blossom, with middle notes of juniper and lavender, and styrax and musk base notes. If you have a cat, I strongly recommend a locking box or drawer for storing your perfume collection; no shelf is high enough to be safe. 

_ Custom-blended perfume can be ordered from many perfumeries in major cities or online for a price range of $75 and up, though styrax is a very uncommon ingredient on Normal Earth nowadays and you might need to substitute benzoin or balsam. _

_ Ed. note: the queen was perfectly calm when mentioning the cat, but her handmaidens were wincing behind her, or making frantic gestures at the reporter to drop the subject. According to multiple sources within the palace, all the queen’s perfumes were put on an isolated shelf with no furniture nearby, and one of the royal cats pulled the whole thing down anyway, landing on his feet among the wreckage of all the different scents. Then he wandered around meowing in distress until a guard caught him and washed him. The guard lieutenant declined to give his name or to explain how he was able to wash a cat without being bitten or scratched. Unless you have the same uncanny powers, take the queen’s advice and secure your perfumes and skincare products away from your pets. _

**THE MISSILE LAUNCHER**

If I had to choose my favorite of the fantastical novelties we’ve seen so far, this would be it. I know others are in raptures over antibiotics and facial recognition cameras—both excellent inventions which I do intend to adopt—but there is something about a good, solid missile launcher that I find very appealing.

_ We won’t list manufacturers, models, or prices here. Google “missile launcher pre-owned good condition free shipping” at your own risk, or if you’re lonely and you want a visit from the FBI. _

**THE OVERSIZED ONYX RING**

This is a man’s ring that I had resized to fit my finger. It was a gift from the captain of my guard, who got it from a certain baron who thought it would make a good bribe. I sent my guards to bring the jeweler to me in secret late that night, and he resized it for me. I was fairly young then, and my hands were still smaller. I wore it to the court session the next day and made sure the baron got a good look before he was put under arrest. It’s a rather old piece, but I still enjoy wearing it. It has sentimental value for me as a gift—and it’s an excellent reminder to those who saw firsthand what happens to traitors. 

_ 18-carat gold ring set with a square cushion-cut onyx. Both men’s and women’s onyx rings retail for $250 and up on Normal Earth. If you can’t take one as a trophy from your vanquished enemy, store-bought is fine. _

**Author's Note:**

> The format and first few sentences of the “if you’re like us…” section are the standard opening to _New York Magazine’s_ “What I Can’t Live Without” blog column, of which this fic is obviously a parody.
> 
> Thank you to weirdsociology for the perfume consultation and for spontaneously coming up with a custom perfume for the queen of Attolia! (How cool is that.)
> 
> There will be more about the royal cats, and Costis’s mysterious cat-taming abilities, in a future fic.


End file.
